5 Tips for Healthy BDSM

BDSM is a common erotic and role-playing sexual practice based on bandage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sado-masochistic dynamics. These sexual interactions emphasize power-play and may involve one lover having control over the other (domination-submission), spanking, flogging, or any intense sensation (sado-masochism), or restraint (bondage and discipline).

Often, society and media stigmatize this “untraditional” practice, but references to the practice of BDSM date back to ancient Greece, the Kama Sutra (300 A.D.), and 15th century Europe. In fact, today about two to three percent of American adults, around five million people, report practicing BDSM.

With works like 50 Shades of Grey</3m> inaccurately depicting BDSM in the media, many now ask: are BDSM practices, which focus on power and control, considered abusive?

To answer this question, one must understand what abuse is. Based in a desire to gain and maintain power and control over your partner’s thoughts, abuse occurs by careful manipulation of a victim’s vulnerabilities. Contrarily, BDSM revolves around a consensual power exchange: if one partner gains control over the other, it is because the submissive partner wants them to. Consent, boundaries, and mutual benefit are present.

With clearly established rules, an emphasis on the safety of each party, and a safe word to quickly stop unwanted actions, BDSM aims for mutual desire, pleasure, and connection. In an abusive relationship, there is a clear absence of rules, feelings of safety, or ways to end the abuse. The conclusion is obvious: BDSM is not, by any means, inherently abusive. Trust, honesty, respect, and equality must always be present, just like any other relationship.

There are many ways to navigate healthy BDSM practices:

1. Do your research. Read books, take classes, and do online research to understand what successful, healthy BDSM play looks like. Understand that parts of this research might appeal to you, but may not appeal to your partner. Be willing to negotiate and reach a mutually agreeable routine.
2. Set your script and plan the logistics. Before you explore new realms of your sexual relationships, sit down with your partner(s) and discuss what each partner wants, needs, prefers, and dislikes. Everyone has different boundaries and expectations, man of which you will not know until you have a discussion. Just when you believe you’ve negotiated enough, negotiate more. Communication is essential to any type of BDSM relationship, as miscommunication in even something as simple as which terms you use can make certain parties feel unsafe or unheard.While many aspects of erotic practices rely on the appeal of fantasy, recognize that this is your reality. Before engaging in BDSM, consider how each partner will feel before and after the interaction, when and where the interaction is appropriate, and at what points consent needs to be verbal and offered readily. BDSM, like any sexual interaction, can affect the physical and emotional well-being of someone, so you must be responsible and prepared.
3. Make consent “sexy.” Healthy BDSM relationships require complete equality between partners, allowing one partner to submit in a way that is, in itself, powerful. Submissive partners give consent and control to dominant partners, and as such they are capable of taking it back whenever they want. If, at any point, dominant partners act in such a way that is uncomfortable, unsafe, or not previously discussed, submissive partners should feel okay speaking up for themselves.Understand that if you feel pressured to engage in any sexual act to “prove” your love, commitment, or appeal, you’re crossing the boundary between healthy sexual intercourse and abuse.
4. Stay safe. There are many important aspects to remaining safe while engaging in BDSM. Set safe words before every BDSM interaction so that submissive partners can stop the play and gain control if anything occurs that makes them feel unsafe. If a safe word cannot be used, agree upon a safe signal. Be wary of anyone who claims they do not use or need safe words.Dominant partners should always be aware of submissive partners’ reactions. Take note of physical signs that indicate submissive partners need help, including shallow breathing, breath holding, hyperventilation, and cold hands and feet. Checking in with your partner regularly is what makes a good, safe dominant partner.

   In addition to safe words, indicate which parts of the body should be off-limits, such as the neck, spinal column, and kidneys. Keep a well-stocked first-aid kit, or consider receiving training in First Aid or CPR.

   Finally, be aware of potential red flags during BDSM play, including moving too quickly, making comments that make you uncomfortable, ignoring safe words, or giving attitude about certain rules and limits. Trust your gut and err on the side of safety. If you are seriously considering engaging in BDSM play with a partner you are unfamiliar with, consider downloading these apps so you can quickly call emergency contacts if anything becomes dangerous.

5. Enjoy. While BDSM requires a lot of planning, at its base level, BDSM simply requires large amounts of strong, intimate trust. Allowing that undiluted trust to overcome fear of safe but exciting sexual activity can lead to intimacy and eroticism. Amidst all this preparation, do not forget to enjoy!